UPDATE: if you guys are interested, but opposed to paypal, you can sen any donation directly to me through the mail message me either on Facebook, on Twitter, or email me at: daveydz3 [at] gmail.com Thanks again!

in case you're interested here are the specs for the new Xbox 360 Slim:

• Xbox 360 250GB Hard Drive: The internal 250GB hard drive allows you to save your games and store television shows, movies, music, pictures, trailers, levels, demos, and other con tent available from Xbox LIVE Marketplace.
• Built in Wi-Fi: The new Xbox 360 is the only console with 802.11n Wi-Fi built in for a faster and easier connection to Xbox LIVE. Download or stream HD movies, TV episodes, and games from Xbox LIVE Marketplace in 1080p and 5.1 surround sound from anywhere in the house. Compatible with b/g/n networks.
• Project Natal ready: Coming this holiday, Project Natal will make YOU the controller. With a dedicated, specialized port, the Xbox 360 250GB is built to connect seamlessly with the Project Natal sensor— and have you up off the couch and into the world of Project Natal in no time.
• Xbox 360 Wireless Controller: This award-winning, high-performance wireless controller features the Xbox Guide Button for quick, in-game access to friends and music. It has a range of up to 30 feet and a battery life of 30 hours on two AA batteries.
• Xbox 360 Headset: Strategize or trade taunts while playing games, and chat with your friends on Xbox LIVE.
• Xbox 360 Composite A/V cable: Maximize your Xbox 360 picture quality on standard-definition televisions using this S-Video connection for a noticeable image improvement over traditional composite connecters.
• Xbox LIVE: Xbox LIVE brings a whole world of entertainment possibility right to your Xbox 360. Play with friends online, and watch streaming movies and TV from Zune and Netflix, all in crystal-clear HD. You’ll find loads of your favorite music from Last.fm and the ability to connect with friends on Facebook and Twitter right on the best screen in the house.

Copyright 2008 DAP All right reserved. all other copyrights and/or trademarks are property of their respective owners.

… Make sure it’s enough."

That was a Dos Equis billboard and its amazing and I think should hit you hard, and least it does for me.

photo credit: pato_garza

 

So it’s been pretty much a month since I last wrote a blog. man I’ve been so busy. But that’s kind of a lie because I’m sure i could of really found the time to write it. I think its because staring at a computer for work really sucks out the joy I get out of a computer, whether that’s building a website, doing some photoshop, or getting some writing done. Even writing that isn’t for fun but for other projects that I seriously need to get done suffers. maybe I should just suck it up and just do it. grow up and do stuff I don’t feel like doing but gotta do.

While thinking about this stuff it dawned on me.

I’m not really the type to do one thing indefinitely to forever. Not only do I think that that would hurt my retirement, it also makes me contemplate about how I would define my existence. If I don’t keep my efforts to something for my life then what is said of me when I’m gone?

I wrote a poem about it awhile ago. It was kinda about it. Like dreams about what a person can be using words to be different things through the words themselves.

photo credit: MShades

And then I think about acting. Its something I know I’d enjoy it as I enjoyed the times I did some acting. I also think it would fake me out. That I’d do one thing that involves doing something different every time.

I dunno but I figure I need to start doing the things I love and start picking up on the stuff I love but haven’t visited in a while. And I know for sure that I need to put away the things I used to love but feel so sick of doing because I’ve done it for so long.

But I’m pretty nostalgic and ending chapters, while a part of my M.O., always breaks my heart.

Copyright 2008 DAP All right reserved. all other copyrights and/or trademarks are property of their respective owners.

I haven’t been able to write about anything. As evident with my absence as of late more than a month has passed and still I find hard to write anything.

Where is my heart in all of this? What do I love? I can’t even tell you anymore beacause so much feels lost. I wanted to write that is what I loved and in some way I still love it but everything feels like a mess and more I think about what I love the more depressed I feel about it.

Today or rather yesterday was probably one of the worst days of my life. I’ll spare you the details but if God was looking for a day to pick on me, he settled on Saturday April 18th. I believed in Karma, I really did but man either its trying to save up to win the lotto or I’m just fucked with being overlooked.

I’m good, I try to do my best and I’ve done a lot for the community I say and I try not to use that as some kind of good fortune currency but c’mon, I could use a break. I believe wholeheartedly in random acts of kindness but now I feel like I’m the only one so no random acts ever find their way to me.

I can get through this I know because I’ve always told myself I’m strong enough to get through this stuff but sometimes I think those are just mind games I’m playing with myself.

I let my Brick Wall in today. yeah I know what you’re thinking. so stupid. and impeccable timing too. The Brick Wall came crashing down too crushing me so hard that i can’t lick these wounds its time for amputation, nay, a closed casket funeral. i always tell myself to give it up, let the Brick Wall fall under the grafitti and into the obscure, but then she comes back and I’m mesmerized like a moth to the flame. Now this time the Brick Wall dictates the end and I feel cheated because that was the only thing I had left.

But fuck it right? tomorrow is another day and I’ll sleep now and my eyes will open tomorrow and I will have to do something. Thats the thing about life, it picks you up, it beats you down and bloodies you and yet it expects you to get up. So better to get up than lie down even if you want to give up.

I can’t give up.

Copyright 2008 DAP All right reserved. all other copyrights and/or trademarks are property of their respective owners.

So I thought I’d put a blog down. Why not right? It’s only been like ten days. But I still can’t muster up anything so I thought I’d share one or two old myspace blogs

you guys should check out some of my old myspace blogs. God, I read some of them and I can hear the naivete in them. When I still felt super optimistic. When my latest project was the only thing there was.

I miss that person a lot sometimes. I miss that love.

Sunday, April 10, 2005

Something Lost and Now Is Found
Current mood:contemplating sadness and TV

You know my favorite Buffy the Vampire Slayer– yeah that’s right I said it– my favorite Buffy is the musical one. It’s really cool. but maybe its because i really enjoy musicals. yep thats me get used to it. plus i have such a vivd memory about talking about it with a friend with whom i miss so very much. i should call that person if the number is the same and if that person welcomes my voice or if i’m ready. although i’m not sure what i’m preparing for. i hate and love old tv shows especially the ones i can associate memories with because it fills me with some type of sadness and happiness. its a nostalgic feeling because i can remember when the episode was new and it makes me feel like i’m getting old. haha some people determine time by hours, days, months, years. I determine it by tv shows past. you know i didn’t intend this blog to be so long because all i wanted to say was that the musical buffy is my favorite buffy but i didn’t know how much memory i tied up with that one particular episode. i often wonder if i’m the only person that feels like this about old tv shows and how a plesant memory can be tied to it. I find myself wondering if that particular person is thinking about me; at least sometimes.

Thursday, February 17, 2005

ah dunno
Current mood: depressed

I feel sick. Like i have eaten too much and now i need to pee. I can’t pee though. I feel as if i’m going to jump out of my skin. I’m not on drugs. I feel seasick. i shake involuntarily; I stay as still as I can and i notice it. I need to take a shit but i don’t. I don’t want tomorrow to happen yet. not until I get some answers. Late Nite is on but I don’t care. Jay Leno isn’t that funny but I won’t stay up for Conan. At least not tonight. I feel like giving up on some goal I haven’t even visioned. I need a hand but don’t expect one, though i know i have two. I need to talk and not to this computer but to some type of human. i want to spill my guts– metaphorically of course. I want to squeeze out this anxiety and fear of pain from my heart and feel light again because i feel so heavy. give me an ekg to show the palpitations of just desire. Desire such a cause for suffering and all the time i wish to just not care to put my fist into a face and not hurt to be such an asshole all the time. the minutes waste and i know there is much i can do with them but when i rise i cannot breath and i take deep breaths and exhale long sighs. i wish i didn’t know what a sigh was. i wish i could cry but they don’t come out even when i poke my eye. there is a difference to being alone and feeling alone.

and I add this last because I think it shows how best I was at being a fresh naive kid, that paintball made me so happy it was all I needed. I miss that David

Wednesday, August 04, 2004

Augest? anyway, new trigger frame fo’ my spyder shutter…
LOVE this piece of kick ass machinery!!! awesome! I just put an electronic trigger on my paintball gun and it will kick ass on the 21st of august!

Sorry if you can careless and that by reading this blog i have wasted 30 seconds (or 1 minute, or two, or three, depending on how fast you can read…) of your time… but awesome if i can find a pic i’ll show it here:

can’t find a pic yet

Copyright 2008 DAP All right reserved. all other copyrights and/or trademarks are property of their respective owners.

I’d like to think that if I lived during the medieval times I would probably be some kind of Templar. I’d wear massive amounts of armor because It attracts me so much. Thats why when I play videogames like Oblivion or Mass Effect or Fallout 3 you’ll always see me work towards and attain the heavy armor for my character.

Why you may ask.

 Because a man in heavy armor is a sign of strength to me. A rock, a hammer, he is the tip of the spear. He takes a licking and keeps on ticking as they say. In my head I see this man driving forward, weapon in hand taking out the opposition as rounds bounce and dent into his armor. Face covered he is myth, he is legend.

photo credit: commorancy

I understand why I feel this way, or at least I think I do.

I want to be the man in the heavy armor, I want to lead my men into the fray. I want to be able to take the punishment, the damage and scream, "IS THAT ALL YOU GOT?" I want to feel bullets hit my chest and wince at the future bruise but most importantly I keep going and if one should drop me to a knee and I am slow to get up, I still got up.

To me this is psychological really. I see it all in my head. What entices me is the fact that I am the opposite. That a lot of times I lay bare my emotions. My heart is a cufflink on my sleeve. The hits I take smash into flesh and I’m not sure if I’ll ever get up.

Being in the heavy armor isn’t the right choice either however. You are slow, you are cumbersome and the focus is all on you. You must be like water ever changing to the circumstance. I understand this, but still. To not be hurt is very intoxicating.

photo credit: linh.ngân

Copyright 2008 DAP All right reserved. all other copyrights and/or trademarks are property of their respective owners.

So i’m drunk typing all of this right now.

But thats ok. I’m going phoeinx today/tomorrow and I gotta drive. If you follow my twitter then you’ll know– yikes!

anyway, There’s is plenty of people that will miss me and I’ll try to twitter and post as much as possible when I’m gone but no promises. the only promise is me getting drunk in Phoenix at least one more time. and me writing maybe one more sappy love poem. because i’m so good at love poems it scares me.

watch for vampires and take care tweeps!

Copyright 2008 DAP All right reserved. all other copyrights and/or trademarks are property of their respective owners.

The cool air strikes my face and its refreshing to be up this early. The fog obscures everything and the only hints of color glow in a distance I can’t define. I’m driving, wiping clear the condensation from the windows, from the mirrors. Again, I forgot how nice it was in the early morning.

photo credit: JOE M500

I gave my roommate a ride to work and on my way back I’m listening to Kevin & Bean but more so I’m getting lost in my thought and like the fog I only see just a little in front of me. Just enough to make it home safe. The night before I said to myself that I was gonna try to have lucid dreams. My sleep paralysis would come once in a while so I told myself that I should try to control it.

 So I felt the shortness of breaths, I heard the rustling leaves, I felt the presence in the

photo credit: law_keven

corner of the room. But I wasn’t scared, I’ve been through all this before. I welcomed it, I tried to control it, telling myself that when I fall into sleep that I will be in a dream and I know that I will be in a dream. But my eyes would fade and I’d wake. I don’t know why I can’t do it, I’ve accidentally had lucid dreams.

So on my way home I’m thinking about the failure and I pass by the college and its empty parking lot and I see flocks of seagulls. some chillin’, some flying above and I think that its pretty far from the beach. Right there it dawned on me that I’m like those seagulls in the city (or suburb.)

odd.

Copyright 2008 DAP All right reserved. all other copyrights and/or trademarks are property of their respective owners.

The light was purple, the walls were canvas on brick and on the walls video clips played morphing into one another; layered over each. Clips that were just out there but interesting and colorful. The music was a mix of everything just like the people there, most on drugs. Past the entry way there were paintings that encourage random user interaction. The place was great. Some industrial type of building in downtown LA the ceiling on the inside was a wooden arch supported by trusses but had a dilapidated look of weathering a lot of years that I found appealing, like I could pinch the wood and a little bit would come off.

photo credit: Marcus Vegas

I was thinking vampires the whole time though.

photo credit: brewedfreshdaily

Let me back up here for a second and explain. I have this thing with new places and peoples and doorways, it’s a trifecta of weirdness. First let me start of by saying that I don’t really believe in vampires. My active imagination again makes use of them. When I enter an unfamiliar building or room full of people I am unfamiliar with and with entry ways and exits not easily verifiable or if there is only one way in and out, I get a suspicious feeling. This could be a trap, sir I think.

My mind turns these unfamiliar people into vampires, and the room I’m in is an elaborate trap for "food" as i’m sure the vampires would call us humans. I see the "people" walk around talking to each other but its all a ruse specifically for me to drop my guard so that I can be their next meal or– gasp– become one of them. I see them look towards me, a giant smile on their face with perfect teeth, except the smile doesn’t end. The corners of their mouths rise almost to their eyes and the canines of their perfect smile grow impossibly longer and saliva drips just a little over their bottom lip and I see that they’ve all stopped talking and they’re staring at me, the room is silent now, as the banter is useless and as most folks say, the jig is up. I think, fuck, I fell for it this time.

photo credit: thp365

Except there is no such thing as vampires and my mind fights itself, a civil war with no consolation. The folds of my brain are the cratered battlefield; the sides of my brain throw artillery of imagination and logic at each other. In my brain its tragic magic.

So at these moments when I think that these new people may be vampires I already dismiss the thought as ridiculous and I tell myself that I know its the anxiety of meeting new people, of being in an unfamiliar place; from growing up with too many bedtime scary stories or TV shows.

So climbing back from the tangent, I would say thats what I was thinking when I was at the rave-ish thing. So out of my element, it was actually exciting to explore this different world. To see a different weirdness than the one I know. Even if they weren’t vampires… or, weren’t they? :][

Copyright 2008 DAP All right reserved. all other copyrights and/or trademarks are property of their respective owners.

Before I start talking about what I will be writing about I just want to tell you how I feel about my website and consequently this blog.

Opinion.

That’s it. I really have no focus with this site. It is mainly about how I feel about various different topics and I always hope that you oh precious Constant Reader take away from it what I’m trying to express be it funny, serious, or real.

So that’s it. With no real "niche" my site won’t be a money maker but I hope that it’ll show me. A most honest side of me that I can deliver on the internet, the DaveyDZ side of me. One I can share and you, sweet visitor, will cherish and adore.

Anyway, as most late night drunk posts are about: love. Or in this case, happiness.

photo credit: WTL photos

 

My roommate and I had a pretty quick discussion. as we usually do when we’re both decently buzzed. It was about happiness and missed opportunities.

It was kinda  about destiny and motivation. About going out and finding someone in relation to waiting for someone to find you. He told me that instead of waiting for someone to find you, you need to go out and find them.

And I agree. Our disagreement comes from when you take the opportunities. For him he has to take every opportunity to go out. so if there isn’t any work the next day, he’s going out. for me not so much. If I don’t feel it, I’ll be content to stay home and play a video game, Is there anything wrong with that?

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a recluse. I dig social interaction. And maybe I lean more on the spectrum of staying in more than going out but I still feel I have a healthy balance of home and out. I am happy. And isn’t happiness a personal thing?

Truth is, I sometimes don’t feel happy. But thats ok. When you understand the sadness you take it. You use it. You feel better about what makes you happy. My friend told me that he would see the glow I had when I would talk to girls and I agree with him 100% because girls make me happy. Does that mean I should be trying to go after them all the time, everyday, every time I have a free moment? I don’t think so because I think it starts to eat away from why it makes you happy. Because it isn’t an everyday thing.

I guess what I’m trying to take away from the discussion, and what I’m trying to convey to you in all my drunkeness, is that perception is key. Are you happy? Why are you happy? that’s pretty much all that matters. If someone else, a friend perhaps, tells you that he or she doesn’t think you’re happy because of what they perceive, well that’s really on them. Maybe its more of a reflection on them than you.

This doesn’t mean you can fake being happy. You can lie to yourself but eventually you’ll realize it. Like myself. I get what doesn’t make me happy. Will I act right away on it? No not always because I won’t obsess. But I won’t forget. and when the times come I will act on what will turn those sadness-es into happiness.

Right or wrong at least I feel ok. balanced. all right. calm.

How do you feel? What do you think?

Copyright 2008 DAP All right reserved. all other copyrights and/or trademarks are property of their respective owners.

We all make them. We all break all or some at some point.

When the party is done we fall back on the previous year never really making changes. Most of us anyway. Me. "Next year, baby." We say or think, be it about money, or love. I had a poetry teacher who told me that their are only two types of poems; Teaching/lessons and Love.

The same for new year’s resolutions.

Lose a few pounds — self love motivated more likely by external love

photo credit: kentgoldman

Cut back or abstain from drugs/alcohol/smoking — self love

Make more money — no matter how happy this makes us this is still for external love i.e., Love that car gotta have it, need more money, or gotta buy that diamond bracelet for the missus, need more money, etc.

Learning a new skill or hobby — this one is obvious. Lessons, learning

Become a mentor — Teaching

These are just examples of the many decisions we may make for new year’s resolutions. Undoubtedly dieting/losing weight is one of the big one We also fail miserably at it. why? well its hard. Haha, seriously there are resources on the interweb to helping a person achieve his or her goals.

For me, I think I’ll achieve this year the most important ones. Like strawberries and a colander I’ll keep all the sweet slightly tangy treats and wash away the dirt. What are some of your New Year’s resolutions?

This post was influenced by Jamie Cullum with songs, "Next Year, Baby", "7 Days To Change Your Life", and "Mind Trick"

Copyright 2008 DAP All right reserved. all other copyrights and/or trademarks are property of their respective owners.