I sat there in the plush stadium seating of an AMC or something like that. Red curtains peeled to the sides and red velvet seats with little diamond designs. The movie was on and it was dark and yet I can’t see the characters or really the movie. I only sense it, like a man blind in detail but sightful in shapes and I only could feel the emotion they presented. I could only see in general terms the deceit and betrayal they acted out against one another.

And then suddenly as if everyone knew but I, in the middle of the movie, it ended. Credits scrolled with the title "Bad People" drawn in colored chalk and shifting like every frame was drawn by hand and was changed ever so slightly and people would start standing up and leaving; even my brothers and mother started to get up. The glow of the lights would also start to rise. But I’m yelling at people, telling them to sit down, that the movie isn’t over yet, that we need to see the second half, that the bad people have finally realized how bad they’ve been and now they will make amends and the movie will have a happy ending.

But no everyone continues to get up and leave and I am just about the last person to hope that the movie isn’t over and that there has to be more. And then I wake up.

And the dream I think tells you how I feel about humanity as a whole. Maybe about some specifically as well.

Copyright 2008 DAP All right reserved. all other copyrights and/or trademarks are property of their respective owners.

I haven’t been able to write about anything. As evident with my absence as of late more than a month has passed and still I find hard to write anything.

Where is my heart in all of this? What do I love? I can’t even tell you anymore beacause so much feels lost. I wanted to write that is what I loved and in some way I still love it but everything feels like a mess and more I think about what I love the more depressed I feel about it.

Today or rather yesterday was probably one of the worst days of my life. I’ll spare you the details but if God was looking for a day to pick on me, he settled on Saturday April 18th. I believed in Karma, I really did but man either its trying to save up to win the lotto or I’m just fucked with being overlooked.

I’m good, I try to do my best and I’ve done a lot for the community I say and I try not to use that as some kind of good fortune currency but c’mon, I could use a break. I believe wholeheartedly in random acts of kindness but now I feel like I’m the only one so no random acts ever find their way to me.

I can get through this I know because I’ve always told myself I’m strong enough to get through this stuff but sometimes I think those are just mind games I’m playing with myself.

I let my Brick Wall in today. yeah I know what you’re thinking. so stupid. and impeccable timing too. The Brick Wall came crashing down too crushing me so hard that i can’t lick these wounds its time for amputation, nay, a closed casket funeral. i always tell myself to give it up, let the Brick Wall fall under the grafitti and into the obscure, but then she comes back and I’m mesmerized like a moth to the flame. Now this time the Brick Wall dictates the end and I feel cheated because that was the only thing I had left.

But fuck it right? tomorrow is another day and I’ll sleep now and my eyes will open tomorrow and I will have to do something. Thats the thing about life, it picks you up, it beats you down and bloodies you and yet it expects you to get up. So better to get up than lie down even if you want to give up.

I can’t give up.

Copyright 2008 DAP All right reserved. all other copyrights and/or trademarks are property of their respective owners.

So I thought I’d put a blog down. Why not right? It’s only been like ten days. But I still can’t muster up anything so I thought I’d share one or two old myspace blogs

you guys should check out some of my old myspace blogs. God, I read some of them and I can hear the naivete in them. When I still felt super optimistic. When my latest project was the only thing there was.

I miss that person a lot sometimes. I miss that love.

Sunday, April 10, 2005

Something Lost and Now Is Found
Current mood:contemplating sadness and TV

You know my favorite Buffy the Vampire Slayer– yeah that’s right I said it– my favorite Buffy is the musical one. It’s really cool. but maybe its because i really enjoy musicals. yep thats me get used to it. plus i have such a vivd memory about talking about it with a friend with whom i miss so very much. i should call that person if the number is the same and if that person welcomes my voice or if i’m ready. although i’m not sure what i’m preparing for. i hate and love old tv shows especially the ones i can associate memories with because it fills me with some type of sadness and happiness. its a nostalgic feeling because i can remember when the episode was new and it makes me feel like i’m getting old. haha some people determine time by hours, days, months, years. I determine it by tv shows past. you know i didn’t intend this blog to be so long because all i wanted to say was that the musical buffy is my favorite buffy but i didn’t know how much memory i tied up with that one particular episode. i often wonder if i’m the only person that feels like this about old tv shows and how a plesant memory can be tied to it. I find myself wondering if that particular person is thinking about me; at least sometimes.

Thursday, February 17, 2005

ah dunno
Current mood: depressed

I feel sick. Like i have eaten too much and now i need to pee. I can’t pee though. I feel as if i’m going to jump out of my skin. I’m not on drugs. I feel seasick. i shake involuntarily; I stay as still as I can and i notice it. I need to take a shit but i don’t. I don’t want tomorrow to happen yet. not until I get some answers. Late Nite is on but I don’t care. Jay Leno isn’t that funny but I won’t stay up for Conan. At least not tonight. I feel like giving up on some goal I haven’t even visioned. I need a hand but don’t expect one, though i know i have two. I need to talk and not to this computer but to some type of human. i want to spill my guts– metaphorically of course. I want to squeeze out this anxiety and fear of pain from my heart and feel light again because i feel so heavy. give me an ekg to show the palpitations of just desire. Desire such a cause for suffering and all the time i wish to just not care to put my fist into a face and not hurt to be such an asshole all the time. the minutes waste and i know there is much i can do with them but when i rise i cannot breath and i take deep breaths and exhale long sighs. i wish i didn’t know what a sigh was. i wish i could cry but they don’t come out even when i poke my eye. there is a difference to being alone and feeling alone.

and I add this last because I think it shows how best I was at being a fresh naive kid, that paintball made me so happy it was all I needed. I miss that David

Wednesday, August 04, 2004

Augest? anyway, new trigger frame fo’ my spyder shutter…
LOVE this piece of kick ass machinery!!! awesome! I just put an electronic trigger on my paintball gun and it will kick ass on the 21st of august!

Sorry if you can careless and that by reading this blog i have wasted 30 seconds (or 1 minute, or two, or three, depending on how fast you can read…) of your time… but awesome if i can find a pic i’ll show it here:

can’t find a pic yet

Copyright 2008 DAP All right reserved. all other copyrights and/or trademarks are property of their respective owners.

Before I start talking about what I will be writing about I just want to tell you how I feel about my website and consequently this blog.

Opinion.

That’s it. I really have no focus with this site. It is mainly about how I feel about various different topics and I always hope that you oh precious Constant Reader take away from it what I’m trying to express be it funny, serious, or real.

So that’s it. With no real "niche" my site won’t be a money maker but I hope that it’ll show me. A most honest side of me that I can deliver on the internet, the DaveyDZ side of me. One I can share and you, sweet visitor, will cherish and adore.

Anyway, as most late night drunk posts are about: love. Or in this case, happiness.

photo credit: WTL photos

 

My roommate and I had a pretty quick discussion. as we usually do when we’re both decently buzzed. It was about happiness and missed opportunities.

It was kinda  about destiny and motivation. About going out and finding someone in relation to waiting for someone to find you. He told me that instead of waiting for someone to find you, you need to go out and find them.

And I agree. Our disagreement comes from when you take the opportunities. For him he has to take every opportunity to go out. so if there isn’t any work the next day, he’s going out. for me not so much. If I don’t feel it, I’ll be content to stay home and play a video game, Is there anything wrong with that?

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a recluse. I dig social interaction. And maybe I lean more on the spectrum of staying in more than going out but I still feel I have a healthy balance of home and out. I am happy. And isn’t happiness a personal thing?

Truth is, I sometimes don’t feel happy. But thats ok. When you understand the sadness you take it. You use it. You feel better about what makes you happy. My friend told me that he would see the glow I had when I would talk to girls and I agree with him 100% because girls make me happy. Does that mean I should be trying to go after them all the time, everyday, every time I have a free moment? I don’t think so because I think it starts to eat away from why it makes you happy. Because it isn’t an everyday thing.

I guess what I’m trying to take away from the discussion, and what I’m trying to convey to you in all my drunkeness, is that perception is key. Are you happy? Why are you happy? that’s pretty much all that matters. If someone else, a friend perhaps, tells you that he or she doesn’t think you’re happy because of what they perceive, well that’s really on them. Maybe its more of a reflection on them than you.

This doesn’t mean you can fake being happy. You can lie to yourself but eventually you’ll realize it. Like myself. I get what doesn’t make me happy. Will I act right away on it? No not always because I won’t obsess. But I won’t forget. and when the times come I will act on what will turn those sadness-es into happiness.

Right or wrong at least I feel ok. balanced. all right. calm.

How do you feel? What do you think?

Copyright 2008 DAP All right reserved. all other copyrights and/or trademarks are property of their respective owners.