I haven’t been able to write about anything. As evident with my absence as of late more than a month has passed and still I find hard to write anything.

Where is my heart in all of this? What do I love? I can’t even tell you anymore beacause so much feels lost. I wanted to write that is what I loved and in some way I still love it but everything feels like a mess and more I think about what I love the more depressed I feel about it.

Today or rather yesterday was probably one of the worst days of my life. I’ll spare you the details but if God was looking for a day to pick on me, he settled on Saturday April 18th. I believed in Karma, I really did but man either its trying to save up to win the lotto or I’m just fucked with being overlooked.

I’m good, I try to do my best and I’ve done a lot for the community I say and I try not to use that as some kind of good fortune currency but c’mon, I could use a break. I believe wholeheartedly in random acts of kindness but now I feel like I’m the only one so no random acts ever find their way to me.

I can get through this I know because I’ve always told myself I’m strong enough to get through this stuff but sometimes I think those are just mind games I’m playing with myself.

I let my Brick Wall in today. yeah I know what you’re thinking. so stupid. and impeccable timing too. The Brick Wall came crashing down too crushing me so hard that i can’t lick these wounds its time for amputation, nay, a closed casket funeral. i always tell myself to give it up, let the Brick Wall fall under the grafitti and into the obscure, but then she comes back and I’m mesmerized like a moth to the flame. Now this time the Brick Wall dictates the end and I feel cheated because that was the only thing I had left.

But fuck it right? tomorrow is another day and I’ll sleep now and my eyes will open tomorrow and I will have to do something. Thats the thing about life, it picks you up, it beats you down and bloodies you and yet it expects you to get up. So better to get up than lie down even if you want to give up.

I can’t give up.