Well it’s late. My eyes burn, yearning for sleep and I yawn but I can’t sleep. My brain says its early and I suppose it’s right, it is about 12:15 am– so technically its right. Oh brain, I’m too stupid to understand you. So I’m listening to music; Kings of Leon if you must know and i’m stumbling along the internet, passing the time til I just tell myself, "sleep fool." I come across this website which in a bit I will share the link and its about this man’s first date with a woman whom he marries eventually.

Their first meeting took place in the 70’s and in his story he asks her what they want to do and she says lets see a movie– Deep Throat. He knows nothing of what it is but goes to see it with her and realizes its a porno. he’s too shocked to say lets leave so he sits through it and then takes her home. At first he thinks he doesn’t want to talk to this woman again, but thinks about it and sees that she has what he calls chutzpa. Chuztpa. I like that word. Anyway, she has the ganas, the fortitude to suggest a porno to watch. He marries that woman. So it got me thinking about it all; relationships, love, yada yada. About what I would want I suppose. So reading that article, I saw that I want that– the chuztpa in a female. I’ve never been in a meaningful relationship (must be me. Haha) but I’ve loved. how I’ve loved so much, too much I would tell myself and change change change i’d cry in my head and chastize my heart. Sure I’ve had my crushes, but I know the differences of that and a true love I’ve felt. I learned the differences. There are stories I could tell but I won’t. those are mine and maybe one day I will share them but probably not with you 1’s and 0’s So I continue to love, not always in love but just love. In awe at those who find it so easy. In disgust at the clumsiness I have for love. Like the football I try hard to catch but I’m too slow, or the weight I can’t bench because i’m too weak.

I shrug my shoulders when I say I give up at it because even if I wanted to its claw catches me, snares me and throws me on that hook. Squirm now try to be happy i imagine it telling me. I’ve felt a lovesick once. It was amazingly surreal. All at once evrything I did I hated, I’m done with it all I would tell myself and I would have to take a deep breath to control it and the tears would fall without realization. Breathe I would tell myself, just breathe I would scream in my head and yet a sob would escape my throat. I couldn’t be alone, the sickness was stronger then. It was the worst feeling in my life, I would question if I was all right or if I hit my head wrong. It seemed as if I was standing still when the world was just a blur. I was sick. and yet it reaffirmed this amazing specific love I had. If I felt this gross, then, god how much love was I in? When every waking thought was of her, and every sleeping dream was of a love shared. I’ll continue to love because there’s nothing else I can do. Chutzpa. where is my chutzpa? here is the article that got me going nuts man and wife